The end of a first date is fraught with possible disasters, whether you want to see the person again or not. For now, I’m going to focus on the right way to end a date when you aren’t interested in seeing the person again. There are a few simple rules: Be polite, be clear, and be firm.
Basic suggestions:
The line “It was a nice to meet you,” while seemingly benign, has become a de facto “brush off line” when used on its own.
Regardless of which gender you are, the following things are a bad idea to say if you’re not interested in another date: “I had a fantastic time”, “let’s do this again”, or “give me a call / I’ll call you.” Any of these give your date the feeling that there’s definitely going to be another date. It makes it far tougher to brush them off afterwards, and can definitely lead to hurt feelings which could be avoided or reduced. Doing it properly at the end of the date, is a far better method. This also contributes to good Dating Karma. If everyone were to start “dating nicer” it would truly make it easier for everyone. (Caveat: It would be nice to find a way to dish out some payback on the true jerks out there) So, here are some key pieces of advice to appropriately let the person know that you aren’t interested in another date.
Be polite:
Without being effusive or over the top, you should still say thank you. It’s sad that this has to be said, but unfortunately, manners are not what they used to. This is proper even if you aren’t interested in seeing them again, manners are always appropriate.
However, be careful when adding compliments to the thank you. This is probably one of my toughest rules to follow. Genuinely nice people always want to do something to ease the blow, and it makes people feel better to say something nice while they’re doing something hurtful. What I mean, is that if you’re about to tell them you don’t want to see them again, you feel like you want to give them hope that they’ll find someone else great. The problem is, when people hear the compliment at this point, coupled with some version of a brush off, one of two things can happen. Either the person is bitter because they feel you outright lied to them, or worse (for you) is that they don’t take the brush off, since you just complimented them. So, don’t be obnoxious, but don’t start talking about how cute they are, how fantastic the date was, or anything of that sort. (But again, remember rule one, polite does count.)
Be firm:
Don’t get wishy washy – if you’re not interested in a second date, don’t get talked into one. If your instincts tell you that a second date isn’t a good idea, stick with it. Sure, there are a dozen reasons why circumstances could change, but like the SATs , usually your first answer is your best one.
Putting this all into practice:
Most of what I’ve said above isn’t new, and it isn’t rocket science, but I think in the heat of the moment, most people do a horrible job of ending the date properly. Regardless of the gender, most people understand that “Thank you very much for the date. It was nice meeting you” is a brush off line. USE IT, it is your friend. It’s simple, easy to remember, and is universally (well, call it 90%) to be a “thank you, but no thank you.”
But what are YOUR thoughts? Let me know!
Potential future topics:
The End (special tips for the men and for the women)
How do you respond when your date wants a second date, but you don’t.
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