You just got home from a great first date with a new guy. He didn’t give you any of the usual brush off signs (i.e. a hand shake, a “it was nice meeting you”, and he didn’t run screaming). He actually gave you a peck on the cheek and said he’d give you a call.

If he extended his hand and/or said “It was nice meeting you” without any other modifiers, there’s a 90% chance you won’t be hearing from him. It’s basically code for, I didn’t feel the need to abandon you mid-date, but I’m just not interested in seeing you again. Don’t stress out, trust me, there are other guys out there who will be a far better match for you. By the way, this is the PERFECT time to remind you that you shouldn’t lead the guy on either. If you’re not interested in going out with him, I know it’s tough, but extend your hand and offer a handshake instead of a kiss or a hug. That’s the guy’s way of knowing (or at least they SHOULD know) that you aren’t interested in them.

But of course, that didn’t happen, because you’re awesome. The end of the date went smoothly, he said he’d call, and now you’re wondering what will happen next. Well, there are two main schools of thought, wait for him to contact you or you can contact him.

In terms of contacting him, many women I’ve talked with have said that they typically follow up a first date with a text or an email thanking him for the coffee/dessert/dinner/etc. Do not write War and Peace, just a quick two line email. The purpose of that email is twofold: 1) you’re being polite which is always appreciated and 2) you’re making it easier for him to contact you. Instead of wondering how the first date went, he now knows that he has a warm audience and should definitely contact you. Some women will go as far as to ask him out on the second date. Now I don’t advocate going overly demure if that’s not in your personality, but seriously, most women want the guy to man up and see what he’s really made of. If you make the move and ask him out on the second date, you’ll never know what he’s made of. If you want to be bold, ask him out for the fourth or fifth date.

Many women just wait around for him to call, text or email. As I’ve said in other blogs, I’m not a big fan of the guy following up by text, or email, unless you specifically know that he’s going to have no time at all for a phone call, or he keeps odd hours.  Generally speaking, I recommend that he call. It doesn’t have to be a long call, but it’s one where he should 1) mention that he had a good time on the date 2) and set forth a suggestion or two about when you two can have date number two.

My suggestions to the women would be as follows: 1) Have an idea of when you might be available for said date, 2) Don’t play games – if you want to go back out with him, just do it and 3) Don’t let him establish a pattern of only texting (even if you’re under 25).  If he texts you and asks you out for a second date, feel free to reply by saying something like “Great to hear from you, give me a call so we can plan that date.” A reader recently told me about a situation with a 35+ year old guy that just kept texting.  What should you do? Read the above, and break the cycle early.  Texting has its places, but asking a woman out on a 2nd, 3rd or 4th date should not be by text.

Here are two other games that should be ended to help improve dating for everyone.

The call back game:
The guy called and got her voicemail. Some women won’t play games and will just return the phone call as soon as they can.  Other women decide to get some revenge and will hold off a bit and then call him back. Just like I’ve said to the guys, this is passive / aggressive behavior, and there’s too much of this from both sides when it comes to dating. If you want to call him, CALL HIM. Life should be just that simple. Mind you, if you call and get his voicemail, just leave a message, don’t hang up and try to call back seven more times until you get actually get him on the phone.

I’m busy this week game:
Look, for my fellow New Yorkers out there, I get the fact that you’re busy, we all are. But you’re going to have to make time for dating sooner or later. So, if he calls you for a date on Thursday and you can’t make it, that’s ok. But if you actually want to see him, help him out. We’re used to getting rejected and often won’t try a second time.  What I would suggest is say “I’m sorry but I can’t make it that night, however, I could do it, next Tuesday.” In a sentence this instantly lets the guy know that you ARE interested, but that night just didn’t fit into your schedule.
Hope these suggestions are helpful.  Please let me know what you think, or other topics you might like me to cover.

DatingRevolution.com, democratizing the online dating industry. Power to the Daters!^TM

So guys, you just had a great date last night, sealed with a peck on her cheek and a promise to call her. So, the real question now is "What the hell are you waiting for?" Ok, so it’s not the only question, but it’s one that BOTH men and women have been failing at for a while. But neither gender owns all of the guilt or fault with what often does or doesn’t happen next. Hopefully, this post can make a bit of a dent in the problem, because if you can’t get to the second date, your chances of a future with them are nil.

Now, I will make a few caveats here (before the hate mail starts):

1. I am not talking about YOU but a generalization of other members of your gender. Of course you personally are evolved, open minded and perfect.
2. I will refer to interactions within this post between men and women. Please don’t read anything into this; I’m simply writing about what I know, as opposed to giving bad advice for same sex couples. If someone else would like to educate me on the dynamics, I’m all ears. I want EVERYONE to find happiness, a happiness defined by them and them alone.
3. This post is mainly for the guys. A second post will be done for the women in the next few days.

I think a few different things caused this conundrum, and all of it could be solved. We could have world peace too, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. So let’s start with what we can control. Guys often think that they have to wait three days to call her. There are misconceptions about seeming over eager, wanting to appear aloof and other similar ridiculous thoughts. It’s simple, call the next day. If you really had that good of a time, all waiting does is put negative thoughts into her head, and often makes her start reanalyzing how the date went. Trust me, this never works in your favor. Equally true, the sooner you call her, the sooner you can see her again. And finally, if she really plays those games, she isn’t worth it. Those games might sound fun at first, but they will bite you in the ass harder than a rabid pit bull, it’s just a matter of when not if.

Now, on the topic of the proper things to do, pick up the phone and call. Texting, while cute and convenient is also lazy and disrespectful. I recognize that it’s the de facto standard for many under 25, and even to many under 30. But dating is about standing out above the pack. If every other guy is texting her to say they had a nice time and want to go out again, think of how much better you look when you take five minutes to call.

Next, have a plan before you call. You’re calling her because you want to see her again. Have a date or two in mind that would work for you. It would also be preferable if you had an idea or two for the next date, but that’s just extra credit.

When you call her, (since you agreed that texting is a bad idea) thank her for a nice evening, and invite her out for the next date. This is when knowing your schedule is great. Suggest a date, but be open in case your plans don’t match hers. Plan a tentative date, do your research if you don’t already have an exact place in mind. Then follow up with a phone call to suggest the place and time.  (For more info check out my previous blog on setting up a date)

While simple tips, many men fail these simple steps. Don’t be that failure; leave that to the other guy.

DatingRevolution.com, democratizing the online dating industry. Power to the Daters!^TM

The end of a first date is fraught with possible disasters, whether you want to see the person again or not.  For now, I’m going to focus on the right way to end a date when you aren’t interested in seeing the person again.  There are a few simple rules: Be polite, be clear, and be firm.

Basic suggestions:

The line “It was a nice to meet you,” while seemingly benign, has become a de facto “brush off line” when used on its own.
Regardless of which gender you are, the following things are a bad idea to say if you’re not interested in another date: “I had a fantastic time”, “let’s do this again”, or “give me a call / I’ll call you.” Any of these give your date the feeling that there’s definitely going to be another date.  It makes it far tougher to brush them off afterwards, and can definitely lead to hurt feelings which could be avoided or reduced. Doing it properly at the end of the date, is a far better method. This also contributes to good Dating Karma.  If everyone were to start “dating nicer” it would truly make it easier for everyone. (Caveat: It would be nice to find a way to dish out some payback on the true jerks out there) So, here are some key pieces of advice to appropriately let the person know that you aren’t interested in another date.

Be polite:

Without being effusive or over the top, you should still say thank you.  It’s sad that this has to be said, but unfortunately, manners are not what they used to.  This is proper even if you aren’t interested in seeing them again, manners are always appropriate.

However, be careful when adding compliments to the thank you.  This is probably one of my toughest rules to follow.  Genuinely nice people always want to do something to ease the blow, and it makes people feel better to say something nice while they’re doing something hurtful.  What I mean, is that if you’re about to tell them you don’t want to see them again, you feel like you want to give them hope that they’ll find someone else great.  The problem is, when people hear the compliment at this point, coupled with some version of a brush off, one of two things can happen.  Either the person is bitter because they feel you outright lied to them, or worse (for you) is that they don’t take the brush off, since you just complimented them.  So, don’t be obnoxious, but don’t start talking about how cute they are, how fantastic the date was, or anything of that sort. (But again, remember rule one, polite does count.)

Be firm:

Don’t get wishy washy – if you’re not interested in a second date, don’t get talked into one.  If your instincts tell you that a second date isn’t a good idea, stick with it.  Sure, there are a dozen reasons why circumstances could change, but like the SATs , usually your first answer is your best one.

Putting this all into practice:

Most of what I’ve said above isn’t new, and it isn’t rocket science, but I think in the heat of the moment, most people do a horrible job of ending the date properly. Regardless of the gender, most people understand that “Thank you very much for the date. It was nice meeting you” is a brush off line. USE IT, it is your friend. It’s simple, easy to remember, and is universally (well, call it 90%) to be a “thank you, but no thank you.”

But what are YOUR thoughts? Let me know!

Potential future topics:
The End (special tips for the men and for the women)
How do you respond when your date wants a second date, but you don’t.