You’ve been in a long term relationship, but (un)fortunately it’s over now. How do you know whether it’s time to get back into the game or not? This has been a question that’s been around almost as long as relationships have been (I’m sorry Eve, but I think I want to see other people since you got us tossed out of the garden -Adam).
As complex as relationships are, knowing when you’re ready to date is equally if not more complex. It all boils down to one simple question though: Are you legitimately able to give your full heart, mind, soul and body to someone new? The problem is getting a real answer to that question, and it’s not going to be easy.
Where does one even start? If you haven’t washed the pillow that your partner slept on because you like the fact that it carries their scent, you are certainly not ready to date. (And you probably should get a new housekeeper as well, I mean eww !) Almost everyone would agree with that. But there are many more subtle levels to be concerned about.
- Do you avoid your favorite restaurant because it reminds you of him/her?
- Do you still believe that there’s hope that you two will reconcile?
- Do you see dating as a way to make your former partner jealous?
All of those are probably warning signs that you aren’t over your previous relationship and should probably take a step back before jumping back in. Someone once told me that you never get over your previous relationships and that they will always be baggage. That’s true, but you can leave your bags with a valet. There’s also the question about who will carry your baggage? Will you carry it yourself, or is your new partner going to carry it for you?
Baggage is yours, and should remain yours. Some will in fact stick with you for many years if not throughout your lifetime. Therapy helps with some people, time helps with others, but with me, my friends have always helped me more than anything else. A therapist will often wait for you to come up with your own conclusions, where a friend might slap you upside the head and say “What the hell were you thinking?” Sometimes that can be all the catalyst you need to move you in the right direction.
In closing, just remember, you are the sum of all of your relationships. It’s your choice whether to use that knowledge to truly improve your future relationships or as a crutch to prevent you from getting hurt ever again. Life and love are about risk, without risk there can be no reward. And having found true love myself, I know of no bigger reward in life.
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